Brian's Bit's - Seaham Harbour U3A

These nuggets of idiosyncrasies in the usage of our language were found by Brian Angus, he said,” they have been in my drawer for some time, I’m not sure where they came from”. He didn’t say if they were in his top drawer or bottom drawer, I would think if they were in his bottom drawer, he has had them sometime!

A homograph that is also pronounced differently is heteronym.

You think English is easy??

I think a retired English teacher was bored. This took a lot of work to put together!

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided desert his dessert in the dessert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into the sewer
To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a confusing language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the insane!

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and cat at the same time.
Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandad’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

Wrinkles don’t hurt.
Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today’s mighty oak is yesterday’s nut that is held its ground.
Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside
Middle age is when you choose your cereal with fibre, not the toy…

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you ‘re down there.
You ‘re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the question.
Time may be great healer, but not a beautician.
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: